When we broke up it was a very dispassionate discussion. There were no tears and no yelling. Slight rise in volume, but nothing that would be a classic break up scene. He did the most annoying thing and agreed with everything I accused him of and told me it didn't matter because he was done.
The first stair on this spiral down to my own personal hell started with him asking me if he was a "Pleaser". A Pleaser. This coming from a man who I know has talked people into frenzies, tears, screams and hate. This from the self proclaimed arrogant asshole with an ego to rival Alaska in size. No, I don't think he's a Pleaser. He certainly hasn't been pleasing me in any way shape or form for a over a year and I live with him.
I, of course, tell him no and why. He tells me he's been told that by 4 different people in the last 3 months. 1 was his mother, 1 was a professional, 1 was a close friend and the final straw was a close co-worker. I respond that they are all quacks. (His mother is a lovely person but I was trying to save something I thought was in my grasp) He tells me something and says it in a disparaging way and looks at me significantly. At this point, I could have continued this farce and let it go. But no, I told him I did not like it when he said things like that and looked at me in that tone of voice. And that's when the words came, "You know this isn't a real relationship anymore, right?" Now for about 1.5 hours of discussion with no avail and me leaving a bit in shock.
So this conversation obviously haunts me. Was there something I could have done or said? No, there is not. I found out later that he hasn't been in this relationship for 18 months and just stopped pretending 9 months ago. For the record, with this stubborn ass, I outlasted him. I out stubborned him into doing his own dirty work and made him break up with me. Not me getting fed up and breaking up with him and thus relieving him of guilt. A few other things that occurred to me.
1) He's a bad boyfriend. I'm not a bad girlfriend. This is what he had me believing for a good long while. He has been making me feel horrible about the state of the relationship and that it is my fault. When the reality is, it's all his fault and he was unable to tell me.
2) He's a coward. He was too afraid to tell me he was interested in someone else 18 months ago and has been courting her. I don't know how physical they got until day 10 when I figured out they were spending enough time together to warrant showers before parties, but if it was this fast, she was on the side while I was still officially in the picture. He was too afraid to give me a chance. He was too afraid of the commitment. He's too afraid of everything a healthy relationship is.
3) I am not the pathetic girl he thinks I am. I told him, "Don't worry about me, I always land on my feet." And I am doing just that. It's hard and scary, but I'm not standing in the middle of the living room crying and stomping my feet demanding why me and take me back. I'm getting the hell out of dodge like a grown woman should when she finds herself no longer in a healthy relationship.
4) He never gave me a chance to be anything he needed. I couldn't predict what that was all the time but he never gave me a chance or a clue. That is his fault for keeping me out of his life. I gave all the opportunity to be there and help and he choose not to partake.
5) I deserve better. A lot better. He is not the best I can do.
I am still sad, hurt and angry. I still break into tears when I talk about specifics. But it has only been 13 days that I have been out of the relationship. I'm grieving and that is ok. I'm not only grieving the loss of a romantic relationship, I grieving the loss of a someone I considered a great friend and my home. And it's ok for me to have these feelings This does not make me weak in any way. It is a natural thing and so long as I keep moving forward this will only make me stronger.
One day I may even thank him for letting me go.
